you know who i hate? quiznos. that's right-you heard me. quiznos.
quiznos' are popping up all over town like starbucks'. in fact, you might even say that quiznos' IS the new starbucks'. just like brown is the new black and dog is the new cat. anyway-everytime i turn around, there's another shiny new quiznos', with it's friendly green and red sign and glossy posters of delicious submarine sandwiches in the window. i'm thinking, "hmm...quiznos'. what a refreshing alternative..." somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice is whispering: "you don't like quiznos'," and i say, "but why not?" and the voice says, "it's been a really long time, so i don't remember." so i say, "well, maybe i've changed my mind," and the voice says, "ok. it's your funeral." (hot damn! i've been waiting for an opportunity to work that phrase into my daily dialogue all week! "it's your funeral" hahahahaha-i love that.)
i go in and am impressed and entertained by the sandwich assembly line, the apex of which is, of course, the toasting machine. whenever you ask anybody what's so great about quiznos, they're like, "they have really good ingredients" and you say, "but, come on-all places basically have the same ingredients", and then they say, "yeah, but they TOAST it, man." i have to admit, it does sound enticing. so i ask the lady for a double cheese melt, and the following dialogue ensues:
"can i get it without bacon?"
"you want extra bacon? no problem."
"no, i said-"
"with feta crubles and jalapenos? no promblem."
"wait, i don't want-"
"extra italian dressing, you say? and honey mustard sauce? oregano, too? onions and roasted red peppers and sun dried tomatoes? no problem. mediteranian tapanade, hummus, cracked black pepper, capers, cilantro, sardines, ginger-paste, truffles, candied walnuts, precuto, currants, watercress, cinamon stick shavings, ranch dressing, argula, and beef jerky? no problem. would you like to make that a combo with some miss vicki's dill pickle flavored potato chips? it comes with ice cream, too-key-lime cheesecake vanilla or white chocolate cherry raspberry swirl?" then she shoves everything in the sub, ice cream and all, and sticks it in the toaster. just thinking about it is making me feel like puking. i mean i ate half of it. i goddamn bought it, right? i'm not gonna throw out a whole sandwich. but i couldn't finish it. i thought i might save it for later, when i wasn't feeling so sick, but i couldn't take the smell, so i pitched it. goddamn you, quiznos. this whole scenereo has happened to me, like, three times now. i swear i won't forget this time.
PLEASE STOP PUTTING SO MANY DIFFERENT STRONGLY FLAVORED THINGS IN YOUR SUBS. IT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.