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[24 Dec 2008|08:16pm]
God damn! i'm fucking hilarious!

ok. so, i'm going to tell you a story that happened to me recently:

what it really all begins and ends with is my pee problem. yes, i'm not ashamed to say it. there's something wrong with my pee system so that i have to take a piss practically every five minutes. in the mornings, i would always have coffee in my car on the way to work. and i can't pee at the metro station bcause hey don't have a bathroom. 
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[23 Mar 2006|10:00pm]
yesterday, on the metro, this woman sat down next to me and pulled out a mini-bible. i had the urge to lean over and ask, "is that a good book?"

you know what is really awesome? when black people have long hair that's not in corn rows or anything. i saw this huge man with huge hair that he had parted on the side. well, it wasn't so much parted as it was yanked over to one side of his head in a huge puffy bush. damn, it looked good.

the other day i was chillin' in my car, when this squirrel fell out of a tree right next to me. seriously. it FELL out of the tree. it didn't jump down or slide down or hang glide or anything like that. it fell from, like, eight feet up. have you ever seen a squirrel fall out of a tree? i know i haven't. it was hilarious. also-he was ok. he rolled right over and skittered under a bush.

that reminds me of how, when i was little, the power would go out because a squirrel made the transformer explode. the transformer is on the telephone pole right outside our house, so we'd hear this loud, "BANG!" and the power would go out. if it wasn't storming, then 9 times out of 10 it was a squirrel. one time we were playing outside when it happened, and the squirrel fell off the trasformer onto the grass. we watched it slowly stagger away like a drunk bum. i really have no idea how the whole power system works, so i don't understand how the squirrel could make the transformer explode. but now that i think about it, it hasn't happened in years. so they must have made it squirrel proof.
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Save your Boxtops [15 Dec 2005|09:33pm]
so i'm having a bowl of my favorite cereal, frosted mini wheats, when i notice a mail-in offer for a free dvd. it says "kellogg's movie lovers collection". so i look on the back of the box to see what movies are in this "collection". let me tell you, people: i was so astounded by the sheer quality of the movies offered, i almost crapped my pants. just listen to this copy:

"If you LOVE movies, FOX SELECTIONS delivers the best entertainment on DVD. Try one 'on us' with this amazing offer-and you'll want to collect them all!"

i knew that any movie they were willing to give away for free had to be truly amazing. if i tried to come up with a list of the most craptastic movies ever, i couldn't possilbly do any better than this line up:

1. Love Potion #9-starring Sandra Bullock. i have no idea what this movie is, but it's clearly horrible. i mean, i don't even have to say anything. you can just tell.

2. Lake Placid. aka-Jaws B: in which Jaws dresses up like an alligator to terrorize innocent water skiers, plus bill pullman!!! or is it a crocodile? i think it's a crocodile. they're the big ones, right? like, wasn't the crocodile around in prehistoric times? when i heard that, i was like, damn. crocodiles are bad ass. they totally hung out with dinosaurs.

3.Dr. Doolittle. This movie perfectly demonstrates my axiom regarding actors who co-star with animals. it is at this point that they can kiss goodbye any chance they might have had to be taken seriously by anyone, ever.
4. The Beverly Hillbillies. not only is this a ridiculous movie; it's also a ridiculous movie based on a ridiculous tv show. with animal co-starring animals.

5. Catch That Kid. i don't know anything about this movie, and i don't want to.

6. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. the wild card.

7. Airheads. with steve buscemi, adam sandler, and brendan fraser, set in the mid-ninties. i'll stop right there.

8. Jumpin' Jack Flash. starring whoopi goldberg. the only thing i remember about this movie is that they used to play it over and over and over during the day on paramount 20. back when it was paramount 20, and not upn. the day paramount 20 ceased to exist, tbs-the super station-had a huge party and sat down to watch all the movies they got with boxtops from kellogg's, which they could now broadcast exclusively. over and over and over again.

so that's it, kids. look for more information on each movie inside each box of kellogg's cereal, and visit www.kelloggmovies.com to learn more about kellogg's movie lovers collection!
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it's bean a long time, baby... [30 Nov 2005|06:36am]
i haven't been able to update recently because, due to the mass quantities of food i consumed during the thanksgiving holiday, i have been unable to move, except when absolutely necessary. now i am tempting lateness by writing this entry. i only ever really feel like writing in the morning, but it often causes me to be late. last night chrissy read me a very eloquent article that clearly and concisely summarizes the events and factors that are leading our culture and government towards a facisit state:

"Neo-liberal intellectuals often recognize the need for violence to protect what they regard as freedom. Thomas Friedman of The New York Times has written enthusiastically that "the hidden hand of the market will never work without a hidden fist," and that "McDonald's cannot flourish without McDonnell Douglas, the designer of the U.S. Air Force F-15." As in pre-fascist Germany and Italy, the laissez-faire businessmen call for the state to do their bidding even as they insist that the state should stay out of the marketplace. Put plainly, neo-liberals advocate the use of the state's military force for the sake of private gain. Their view of the state's role in society is identical to that of the businessmen and intellectuals who supported Hitler and Mussolini. There is no fear of the big state here. There is only the desire to wield its power. Neo-liberalism is thus fertile soil for fascism to grow again into an outright threat to our democracy...Indeed, it was the thinkers of the Enlightenment who imagined a balanced and civilized freedom that did not impinge upon the freedom of one's neighbor Put in the simplest terms, my right to life means that you must give up your freedom to kill me. This may seem terribly obvious to decent people. Unfortunately, in our neo-liberal era, this civilized sense of freedom has, like the dangers of fascism, been all but forgotten."

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b's Current Events [20 Nov 2005|09:53am]
nancy pelosi-rep from CA's eight district (which includes most of San Fran), and House Democratic Leader:

"Mr. Murtha has dealt the mighty blow of truth to the President’s failed Iraq policy. The American people have rallied to Jack Murtha’s message of truth. But [to Republican colleagues] ‘you can’t handle the truth.’ Why are the Republicans so afraid of the facts?

"Mr. Speaker, during World War II, the Republican Senator from Ohio, Robert Taft, who would become the Republican Leader of the Senate said, ‘Criticism in a time of war is essential to the maintenance of any democratic government.’ Indeed, Mr. Murtha’s action to speak truth to power is a great act of patriotism."

nancy may not always put her money where her mouth is, but what a mouth! i have to give her props for her continued saucy-ness towards the bush administration. she's a total go-getter. i mean, using famous movie quotes in your speeches to the house? that's total cnn-ticker material. in this day and age, you have to speak in perfect soundbites to be heard. that's why the republicans got so popular. because their views are narrow enough to fit in little tasty chunks. but, finally, little girls have another recognizible example of a progressive woman in a position of power, besides hilary. not that most tweens take time away from trl to watch c-span, but pelosi is outspoken enough to make it in the news often, and they just might happen to hear her name. so at least it would enter into their subconscious. they would think, "hey! look at that saucy lady stickin' to the president! she seems like she knows what she's talking about. all those white men in suits are listening to what she's saying." so then maybe she would subconsciously feel better stating her opinion in class. you go, girl. pelosi's non-stop.

i'm also proud of condi. i mean, so she's the president's bitch. but she isn't sitting on her ass in crawford with barbeque sauce on her face, either. she works hard for the money, dammint. she is fucking jet-setting all over the place-busting her ass-staying up til all hours negotiating with senior israeli and palestinian officials over border crossing, going to asia and canada...it seems like everytime i turn around, she's stepping off the plane in a new locale. this lady is non-stop.
"Breaking News: secretary rice says,'..don't stop 'til you get enough.'"

props to patrick fitzgerald. i have mad respect for this guy. i like his style. everytime he goes on t.v., he looks like he woke up about 20 min ago, at his desk, with a huge-ass stack of emails and depositions for a pillow, surrounded by a weeks worth of chinese take-out cartons. he's like a bird-dog. you know how their whole purpose in life is to find the bird? like, every second they're just waiting for you to take them hunting, so they can get to work. they don't strut around, boasting about what a good bird-dog they are. they just fucking put their nose to the ground and fucking go. and they don't stop til they find the bird. no matter what. through wind, rain, hail, mud, trash, or poo they'll plow to find that bird. everybody's like, "ooh, fitzgerald is makin' waves. he's out to get somebody," and he's just like, "no dude. i'm just looking for the bird." in fact, he doesn't even say that. because he's to busy looking for the bird. i for one, hope he finds that bird. he'll be fulfilled just finding it. then he'll give it to us to roast on a spit. my man, pat fitz, ya know yer non-stop.
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[05 Nov 2005|07:17pm]
this is a story about a guy named abdul wali who died in a U.S. detention center in Afghanistan:

the reason i'm putting it up is because i heard this radio diary of this kid who grew up in california, whose dad became governor of Kunar province in afghanistan in the new government. he went there and worked as a translator embeded in a military unit. his father, who knew adbul wali and his family, convinced him to turn himself in to be questioned at the detention center. the us suspected wali of being invloved in some rocket attacks. he was innocent, and the kid's father (the governor) told him that if he told the truth he would be ok. the kid was actually wali's translator during part of the interrogation. this kid's diary was really really good. I feel like it's hard to just talk into a tape recorder, clearly expressing events, and also your feelings in an honest and straight forward way, but he was really good at it. he talked about when they found out that wali was dead, and how they went to see his body and how weird and horrible it was. you hear so much about detainees being abused and killed and it's terrible, but you know, you can't actually FEEL how terrible it is. you're just so discontected from it. but the way the kid talked about it, i finally felt a real sense of how awful it was. also, this american life is probably the best show on npr-and they always have awesome shows, which you can listen to for free. they won't have the radio diary up til next week-but here's the site:

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[05 Nov 2005|01:59pm]
Here's some of this speech bush gave recently:

"In an al Qaeda attack on two Baghdad hotels this week, the targets were journalists and innocent Iraqis. When unsuspecting hotel guests are blown up in their rooms, or 25 Iraqi children are killed in a bombing, or Iraqi teachers are executed at their schools, or hospital workers are killed caring for the wounded, this is murder pure and simple -- the total rejection of justice and honor and morality and religion."

"...On the contrary, they target nations whose behavior they believe they change through violence. Against such an enemy, there is only one effective response. We will never back down, we will never give in, and we will never accept anything less then complete victory."

Speaking of people who think that can change people through violence, isn't it great all the people who've died over bush's 2 terms, including inoccent women and children in US bombings?
The bush administration's problem is that they absolutely refused to acknowledge America's partial responsiblity for the deplorable living conditions in other parts of the world.

"Defeating the militant network is difficult because it thrives like a parasite on the suffering and frustration of others. The radicals exploit local conflicts to build a culture of victimization in which someone else is always to blame and violence is always the solution. They exploit resentful and disillusioned young men and women, recruiting them through radical mosques as pawns of terror."

Why are these young men and women resentful and disillusioned? Could it be because they don't have adaquate health care, clean water, or enough food to feed their families? maybe it's because they have to work ungodly hours under horrible conditions just to scrape by? could it be because they don't feel safe and protected and taken care of? when communities don't have good education, there's no hope of kids learning the skilld they need to improve there lives. these people are trapped, and hardly anyone is helping them. and, now, because of globilization, they are realizing the huge disparity between themselves and the rest of the world, and they're thinking, "what the fuck is serta? i sleep on a pile of hay." can you imagine? can you believe that the world is like this? last night i heard an interview with jimmy carter, and he said that out of every $100 dollars we pay in taxes, .16 goes for humanitarian aide. that's less than 1%. what the fuck. and you know most people think we give way more than that. we are the super power. that's what we wanted. now we have to deal with the consequences. we have the most money-so we have to give the most away. that's just how it is. of course we should do it because it's right and we want to help people; but besides that, it's just fucking common sense. goddamnit, why are the people in power so fucking stupid? you can't see everything in black and white-we do not live in a vaccum. what we do effects other people in the world. bush always talks about "sensless violence" and they always talk about the terrorists as if they just woke up on day and decided to get really pissed at america. he calls them "evildoers". i think this is basically like believing in the boogey man. it's about as ridiculous as believing someone could walk on water. very few people exist who are actually, truly, evil. like, they get pleasure out of torturing or killing people. you can be extremely fucked up without being evil. for instance, hitler didn't think what he was doing was evil. he wasn't like, over in the corner rubbing his hands together, saying, "finally, i'm going to kill all those jews, just like i always wanted to!" he was this fucked up guy who went through some horrible shit in WW1, saw his country completely desimated and all the people starving and dying of disease and not being able to find jobs and the economy all fucked up, and got fucking pissed. when everything sucks, you want to blame somebody. when everything is so horrible, and you're stuck and full of frustration, and you can't do anything about it, all those feelings fester and become compounded. and in the case of a few really fucked up people, it causes you to have some really bad ideas and do some really horrible things. hitler decided the jews were the problem. Islamic fundamentalists think we are. the difference is that we actually ARE a big part of the problem. between wanting to butcher everyone in the western world and set it on fire, and waving an american flag so hard your arms hurt, there are millions of shades of grey. it's easy to see why some people would join a terrorist group. i mean, it's obviously not a good solution to the problem, but it is an option. in a place where you don't have a lot of options, and things suck really bad, and they aren't getting better, and you're so upset-then you see on tv how americans live-wouldn't you be so mad you'd want to blow them up? you'd want to do something to say, "LOOK AT ME! I'M HERE AND YOU'RE FUCKING ME OVER! YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME!" we don't do enough for them. we need to do more. i agree that we should worry about stopping terrorist atacks, but i think we need to do more to bring up these peoples' standard of living. if they all had suvs and could drive down to starbucks for a carmel macchiato whenever they felt like it, i can gurantee you, they wouldn't be thinking about making homemade bombs. they'd worrying about more important things, like-getting the driveway repaved or going on south beach. what a bunch of fat lazy assholes we must look like to them. jesus, I'M about to join a terriorist group.
you can read the whole speech here:

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stacks of green paper in his red right hand [01 Nov 2005|09:52pm]
today was stressful. this was mostly due to the fact that i parked at a meter that was not only seven blocks from the building where most of my accounts are, but also at the top of a huge hill. i had to haul my ass up and down that hill three times today. i was pleasantly suprised by the fact that my muscles haven't atrophied completely. i was hurtin', tho. and i STILL got a fucking parking ticket. i was feeling the burn-busting ass up that goddamn hill, and just as i crested it-i saw the fucking meter man crossing the street in front of me. i saw him skulking around when i parked there. he was fucking ON POINT. i ought to have known better. i figured he'd be off picking his teeth and shining up his meter man badge so i'd have a few extra minutes. yeah right. this guy was covering his beat like it was his JOB. he was all like, standing right next to people's meters, tapping his toe, just WAITING for them to run out. i guess he thinks he's some kind of efficient motherfucker. he's probably going for mr. fucking meter man of the year. it's people like that who ruin it for the rest of us. i can't tell you what i felt when, after sprinting up that hill, fighting for every breath, i got to the top just as he was jauntily skipping off to ticket somebody else. what an asshole. HEY METER MAN. WHY DON'T YOU FILL OUT ALL YOUR TICKETS IN ADVANCE, SO YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME TO HUSSTLE YOUR ASS TO EACH METER THAT'S ABOUT TO RUN OUT. IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN WITH A PHONE BOOK AND FILL OUT A TICKET FOR EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THE DC METRO AREA BEFOREHAND. THAT WAY YOU'LL BE TOTALLY COVERED. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST TOO FUCKING EFFICIENT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, YOU TIGHT-ASS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU BACK IN THE DAY? IF YOU STARTED TO GET A LITTLE TOO CRANK-HAPPY ON THE ASSEMBLY LINE, YOU MIGHT FIND SOME RUSTY NAILS IN YOUR HOAGIE AT LUNCH TIME. IF YOU STILL DIDN'T GET THE POINT, YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF LEAVING THE FACTORY AT NIGHT, ONLY TO BE CORNERED IN A DARK LOT BY SEVERAL OF YOUR CO-WORKERS, WHO, CLENCHING AND UNCLECNCHING MEATY FISTS, HISSED IN LOW VOICES,"LISTEN, NIMBLE-FINGERS. YOU BETTER CRANK IT DOWN A COUPLE NOTCHES. YOU'RE MAKIN THE REST OF US LOOK BAD, SEE? IF I WERE YOU, I'D CUT OUT THE SPEEDY MCGEE ROUTINE. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE AN 'ACCIDENT', NOW WOULD YA? WOULDN'T WANT THOSE NIMBLE FINGERS TO GET SNAGGED IN THE GEARS, NOW WOULD YA?" WOULD YA, METER MAN?! NO! YOU WOULDN'T! MAYBE I'LL FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE AND TICKET YOUR HOUSE! I'LL STUFF YOUR MAILBOX FULL OF LITTLE BRIGHT GREEN PAPER SHEETS! I'LL DUMP THEM DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY! I'LL CLOG UP YOUR TOILET! I'LL FEED THEM TO YOUR DOG TIL HE PUKES GREEN! YOU'LL FIND THEM IN YOUR POCKETS! FOLDED IN YOUR LAUNDRY! WHEN YOU TURN ON THE SHOWER, GREEN WILLRAIN DOWN! WHEN YOUR KIDS OPEN THEIR PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS TIME, THE BOXES WILL BE FULL OF GREEN!
ok, ok. the ticket was only $25 dollars. BUT STILL. fucking meter man.
anyway-more stuff happened today-but i'm so worn out after ranting about the meter man, that i can barely stay awake. plus there was all the running up and down the hill.
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[29 Oct 2005|10:46am]
dear reader,

here are some observations i have made and unexpected perks i have discovered in my current capacity as "plant tech".

1) number one, of course, has to be free food. in my line of work, i am lucky enough to have access to some pretty swanky offices. brimming bowls of candy on receptionist's desks; fridges stocked with free soda and juice; complementary peanuts and pretzels; coffee machines that use those little containers of coffee grounds-brewing you a fresh cup everytime; it's all there for the taking, my friend. if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? if a tray of muffins sits alone in an office kitchen and there's no one there to see, do i take one? fuck yeah, i do. sometimes i am faced with real moral decisions. for instance, the other day, i go into a conference room where they have just finished a meeting, and discover a tray of leftover sandwiches from the corner bakery. of course, i'm not really entitled to these sandwiches, and i certainly shouldn't take one without it having been offered. if i weren't there as a representative of sunset hills foliage, you better believe i'd be dumping the whole goddamn tray down my pants in two seconds flat. but what if somebody saw me, and i was forever after frozen in their mind as "the plant tech who took the sandwich"? you know how gossip gets around the office. it would eventually get back to my supervisor. almost everyday i am faced with similar dilemas, and in several cases i decided it was too risky. this time, however, i felt it was safe. plus i was extra hungry. you'd be surprised how much contraband you can stuff in a fanny pack.

2)pictures of people's families. it's especially great when they have really ugly kids. you know how people are about there kids. it's not that i don't like kids, or that i don't think people should be proud of them. it's just the whole conformist attitude people have about showing off their families. it's like, "look! i've got it all! the perfect family! look at all these olan mills portraits of my kids in ridiculous outfits, akwardly leaning on plaster pillars with ugly-ass backdrops of garden arbors behind them. don't they look happy? they better fucking look happy. i spent $100 bucks on that photo package, and it practically took the life out of me to scrub the flavor ice stains off their faces, yank those cable-knit sweaters over there heads and drag them there before they got snot and drool and mashed bananna and cheerio crumbs from hairbow to panten-leather maryjanes." all those pictures of family vacations at the beach in those annoying frames that say stuff on them like,"just chillin'". none of the pictures ever look candid or relaxed. i guess that's because people think those kinds of photos don't belong in frames on desktops. why does everybody have to be so stupidly posed? it mkes them look like idiots. there's this one picture i saw in this guy's office of his twin boys. jesus christ, watch out when people have twins. it's like people think they won the bonus prize, and now there's ten times more reason to take cheesey photos. anyway-this guy's twins were the kind of kids that you could tell some people might think were cute because they were blonde and they didn't have any particularly bad facial anomilies. but i'm telling you, these kids were ugly. they had these horrible smiles with huge gums and tiny tiny teeth, and really long narrow heads. they probably looked ok when their lips weren't stretched over those huge gums, but of course, they were smiling like that in every fucking picture. they might of been ok looking when they were younger, but they were about eight or nine, with all their baby fat gone which accentuated their elongated heads even more. in this one picture they are posing on the beach, each bending on one knee, side by side, with their long skinny arms and legs, elongated heads, their hair in horrible bowl cuts, with their lips stretched over those gross shiny gums like they were trying to be the one to smile the hardest. i almost puked right in the sefrezi palm.

uhh..thats all i feel like writing about now. more on the way!
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fuck quiznos [28 Oct 2005|08:28pm]
you know who i hate? quiznos. that's right-you heard me. quiznos.

quiznos' are popping up all over town like starbucks'. in fact, you might even say that quiznos' IS the new starbucks'. just like brown is the new black and dog is the new cat. anyway-everytime i turn around, there's another shiny new quiznos', with it's friendly green and red sign and glossy posters of delicious submarine sandwiches in the window. i'm thinking, "hmm...quiznos'. what a refreshing alternative..." somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice is whispering: "you don't like quiznos'," and i say, "but why not?" and the voice says, "it's been a really long time, so i don't remember." so i say, "well, maybe i've changed my mind," and the voice says, "ok. it's your funeral." (hot damn! i've been waiting for an opportunity to work that phrase into my daily dialogue all week! "it's your funeral" hahahahaha-i love that.)
i go in and am impressed and entertained by the sandwich assembly line, the apex of which is, of course, the toasting machine. whenever you ask anybody what's so great about quiznos, they're like, "they have really good ingredients" and you say, "but, come on-all places basically have the same ingredients", and then they say, "yeah, but they TOAST it, man." i have to admit, it does sound enticing. so i ask the lady for a double cheese melt, and the following dialogue ensues:
"can i get it without bacon?"
"you want extra bacon? no problem."
"no, i said-"
"with feta crubles and jalapenos? no promblem."
"wait, i don't want-"
"extra italian dressing, you say? and honey mustard sauce? oregano, too? onions and roasted red peppers and sun dried tomatoes? no problem. mediteranian tapanade, hummus, cracked black pepper, capers, cilantro, sardines, ginger-paste, truffles, candied walnuts, precuto, currants, watercress, cinamon stick shavings, ranch dressing, argula, and beef jerky? no problem. would you like to make that a combo with some miss vicki's dill pickle flavored potato chips? it comes with ice cream, too-key-lime cheesecake vanilla or white chocolate cherry raspberry swirl?" then she shoves everything in the sub, ice cream and all, and sticks it in the toaster. just thinking about it is making me feel like puking. i mean i ate half of it. i goddamn bought it, right? i'm not gonna throw out a whole sandwich. but i couldn't finish it. i thought i might save it for later, when i wasn't feeling so sick, but i couldn't take the smell, so i pitched it. goddamn you, quiznos. this whole scenereo has happened to me, like, three times now. i swear i won't forget this time.

dear quiznos',
beth hinners.
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[20 Oct 2005|08:09am]
corrections from last entry:

i was talking about my supervisor, mark, and i meant to say that if i had thought he was straight i WOULD have hated him a little at the outset. one of the problems with jobs i've had in the past is that heterosexual men have abounded in management positions. they usually, well-in my case-always-have made me feel extra incompetent and small. i used to be more magnanimous towards the straight man, but as i became more and more aware of the imbalance of power and how psychologically deep in ran, i started resenting even the nicest men. you could call it reverse sexism, but i can't help it. i'm not totally closed off, tho-i can be won over. i don't worry about it too much-seeing as how most dudes are assholes anyway (how do ya like that for magnanimous-harhar).

anyway-awhile ago i wanted to write an entry about how chickens in Turkey have bird flu-ahahahahahahaa. actually-the reporter said "poultry in Turkey", which also sounds funny-but not as funny as Turkish chickens. and what's with these crazy foreigners naming their country after a ridculous-looking bird that has a gross waddle and can't even fly? they don't speak american, or eat ketchup either. what a bunch of freaks.
seriously tho-it's actually really really sad, because now they have to slaugther thousands and thousands of chickens so the flu won't spread, and the chicken farmers are going to starve because the governement have to kill their source of income. there i was, giggling about the Turkish chickens, and then they interviewed this Turkish woman, who sounded really frantic. they had a translator, who said something like, "they killed all our chickens! how will we eat? we have nothing now! what will we do?! we're going to starve!" in her clear, clean, studio-recorded voice-and all the while the real recording of the woman is playing in the background, and she really sounds like she's tearing her hair out. close-up on me-my smile sliding off my face-downcasting my eyes in shame. i felt like i just made fun of someone who looked stupid with a shaved head, and then they were like, "i have cancer." whoops.
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[06 Oct 2005|10:59am]
hello, lover.

the days sure do fly by when you have a jorb. I've been training for about three weeks now, and it is going great. this morning i had a doctor's appointment, so i am pretending that it is taking longer than it really did so i can sit at home on my ass for a bit. every morning i get up and meet one of my supervisors at a designated location. there are different "runs" that get done each day. they consist of several accounts that are all clustered together in the same area. each account gets visited once a week, so all week long, i go to a different set of places each day. this is one of the reasons that i love this job. not only am i going to different places all week long, i'm going to different places all day long too! yay-constant motion. the day goes by really fast, and i love being active all day. although it's been hard adjusting to the schedule and i'm not used to hauling ass all day, so i'm totally beat when i come home. i can't wait til i get used to it, and i'm not like the walking dead at the end of the day. i wanna like, you know, do fun stuff.
i really like seeing all the people everyday. alot of the runs are in dc-i've been going down there all week. it's so much better to be out in the world all day-seeing people walking past you, crossing the street, riding the metro-people all around you. when i'm moving, i don't feel trapped-which has always been my main issue with jobs. i always start feeling suffocated. with this job, not only am i constantly coming and going-i'll be on my own. i can walk as fast or as slow as i want. i can stop and get coffee. i can talk on the phone-when i get a cell phone. i'm basically my own boss-woo! i can't wait til i get my own runs and i don't have to tag along with Lisa. i've been working with Lisa the most-thank god, cuz she is the least annoying. Cathy is really nice-but she's too fucking slow. and mark-oh god, mark. he is really really nice too. but he is so anal and totally like in my face full-on "training" me. he's like, "i've already tested this plant for water, but i want you to do it to see how much you think it needs. ok, now, let's see you pour!" and i'm like, jesus christ. the first day i worked with him, he wouldn't even let me touch the plants. he just made me walk around the offices checking the inventory. he can be really condescending and it's fucking depressing and annoying, and makes me second guess myself. but he eased up gradually, and he started calling me "kiddo", which i actually kind of liked, even tho it's kind of condescending, too. but i don't mind people thinking of me as a kid, cuz thats how i am. i do mind them making me feel incompetant. actually i think it's just the word "kiddo". like if he called me "sweetie" or "honey" that would make me want to bludgen him with a stick. i'm not a sweetie or a honey-that implies "little girl". but kiddo is like, sort of genderless. when i hold the door for him he'll say, "thank you, my lady"-but it's in a tone that doesn't bother me either. laid on top of all of this is the fact that i really think he's gay. i mean if i thought he were straight i wouldn't have hated him a little at the out set. i can't stand older men usually. i want to kill them. i need to call mr de haan. he was this old guy that lives next door to my aunt and grandma-and i was helping him clean out his house. he was such an awesome guy. he didn't have that athoritative alpha male thing. he was actually really shy cuz he'd lived alone for 10 years since his wife dided and he hardly hung out with anyone-he doesn't have any kids, i don't think. he totally has this awesome "fuck it-i'm old" attitude. he doesn't give a shit about anything. he's trying to eventually move into assisted living, but his house is crammed with stuff and it's totally dirty and he has to get rid of everything. he has so much awesome stuff in there-he has a brand new computer from 1986 that i want so bad. he was a psychology professor and he has all these scientific journals piled up and medical books and stuff. he also has his mother's old singer sewing machine-which is FUCKING AWESOME. it is all black and lacey looking, and of course it still works. those motherfuckers are build to last. i want it so bad. it would be like having a 1966 ford thunderbird convertible or something.
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ye olde livejournal entry [21 Sep 2005|07:17am]
soo..yesterday was fun. i went to laurel, md. to meet doogey howser m.d. got the run down on the foliage-filled out tax forms-read safety manuals-saw the greenhouse. it was sah-weet. and-surprise, suprise! laurel is fucking great! i guess i was in the "old towne" area-which basically consisted of several super shitty new jeresy-style motels, several car dealerships, and one main st-called main st-that had a bunch of really awesome dumpy looking shops. that was the word-"shops" not "stores". wouldn't you rather go to a "shop" than a "store"? i know i would. cuz you can always "ye olde" in front of the word shop and it sounds right. like, ye olde _____ shoppe. ye olde curiosity shoppe. ye olde barber shoppe. ye olde body shoppe. see? btw, what the fuck was with people putting e at the end of everything back in the day? you know the letter s also used to totally look like an f? way to go, ye olde idiots. also-i was thinking the other day about how much hip-hop culture has entered the mainstream. for instance-everybody says back in the day for everything now. like, "dude, smoothies were totally smoothie-er back in the day". but an even better example is how i was listening to this report on npr the other day about nasa-and how they're planning a mission to the moon, and are going to do things more like the apollo astronauts did, because it's cheaper and easier, actually. and the guy is like, "the astronauts will return to space 'old school style', dropping into the ocean in a capsule with a parachute." i was like-whoa whoa-back up. what is this? are the astronauts on cribs? yet another example of how npr is trying desperately to reach out to a new demographic-like one of those moms that dresses just like her teenage daughter. it also reminds me of how, in wedding crashers, rachel mcadams' finance and all his l l bean-ed out friends say "what up, dog" to each other and stuff. altho there were crappy things about wedding crashers-they also put in some clever things that i was like, "yes! someone finally made fun of that!" uh, ok-back to what i was actually going to write about. after i was done with training-i drove down this little main st. i stopped at this place called "'something special' coffee shop". can you beat that? i got a coffee, and it smelled really weird, and i was like, oh fuck-what if this tastes bad, but it was one of those smells that could signal either grossness or deliciousness. then i asked the guy for a bagel sandwich with egg, cheese, and tomato. he was like, "sure! no problem!", and proceeded to make me a bagel sandwich with egg and cheese and bacon, which i didn't notice til i got to the car. i didn't care, tho-because it was delicious. and guess what? so was the coffee! so i hit the jack pot there. but i really hit pay dirt down the road at this fucking awesome as shit art store. it was huge-and crammed wall to wall with stuff. you know those places you walk into that are all dusty and dim with crap piled everywhere and shit faded by the sun in the window-and gross orange carpet that no 5 sec rule, or 1 sec rule, for that matter, could ever apply to? this was one of those places. i walked in and i was like, oh shit. this place is a fucking goldmine. i could smell it in the air. i felt like a just discovered the caves at lascaux.
(none-artfags, see: http://www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/arcnat/lascaux/en/)
it was full of old prints and posters of everything-from audubon to those shitty graphic art pictures of ladies with blowing hair and long fingernails like they have in hair salons. they had a shit load of art supplies, and old books, and so many awesome old things. like these fucking awesome notebooks with cartoon pictures of an icecream cone or a rootbeer float or whatever that were scratch and sniff. they were totlly from the seventies, and had been totally sitting there since the seventies, i bet. it was like an art store thirft shop. my ideal combination! i spent like an hour in a half in there before i realized that if i didn't leave right away, i'd get caught in rush hour. believe me, only that could have pulled me away. i can't wait to go back.
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"scuttle! look what we found!" [20 Sep 2005|07:22am]
woo hoo! i'm hired. actually, i should be getting ready to leave right now. i'm going to my first day of training as a "plant tech". i will go around to different offices in my area to water and care for the plants. i recently listened to this story on tape by h.g. wells about this guy who collects orchids. he bought this orchid bulb at an auction that had been found clutched in the hand of a botanist deep in an african jungle. the botanist's body had been completely drained of all its' blood. anaconda, you say? no! evil, blood-sucking orchid!-as you soon find out. the dude cultivates the orchid, which developes this perfume that makes you pass out. one day, the guy's housekeeper goes looking for him in the greenhouse, and finds him passed out on the floor, having his blood sucked by the green leafy tentacles of the evil orchid. she's getting all dizzy from the fumes, but has the presence of mind to start smashing the windows out. she yanks the guy away from the plant and drags him outside. he is fine eventually, but has to spend some time recouperating. the interesting thing about the story is that, at the beginning, it starts out describing how the guy is independently wealthy, and totally bored out of his mind all the time. he collects orchids because he basically doesn't have anything else to do. he's always complaining to his housekeeper that nothing interesting ever happens to him-that all his friends have exciting adventures and brushes with death, while every day is exactly the same for him. so after the orchid episode, he's all happy because something finally happened to him. anyway-i hope i don't have to take care of any blood-sucking orchids.
i went to the library to return all those books on tape and get some new ones. i am so excited i'm bursting with fruit flavor. i found a study in scarlet-the first sherlock holmes story where holmes and watson first meet and fall in love. also more sherlock holmes that i haven't listened to yet. i got middlesex-which i'm so excited about because i couldn't get into when i tried to read it-so now i can draw or clean my room or whatever while i'm listening, and there by float through the boring parts. i also got an instructional dance video. it shows you how to do dances from the 50s, 60s, 70s, AND 80s! i'm totally gonna bust a move.
chrissy found two new awesome bands online-and they are great! one is lali-puna-actually we already knew about that one-i have wanted to get an album by them since i heard them at this resturant in the east village called mom's home cookin'! it's all vegetarian, and they covered the walls with all these paintings and pictures that look like they got them from thrift stores and flea markets of different mom-ish looking ladies. yes-i am so hip and cool. they have a bar next door, also called mom's. ha ha. anyway-chrissy got a cd of all remixes and b-sides. it's hot.
magnet is so beautiful-like a more full-bodied travis with a hint of grandaddy. mmmm. guess what else? i made this little mantle above my bed on which i placed various useless things that i couldn't bare to throw out. my big-boy bobble head, my plastic wind-up crawling baby, a tiny aquarium complete with plastic marine life that katie brought me from the netherlands, some tiny china figurines-including lady from lady&the tramp, a spring spaniel mom and puppy, and three red birds-mom, dad, and junior. also-my hot dog with the long-stripe-y legs and orange sneakers, katie's plush hamburger, a metal deer missing a hoof that i think was my grandpa's, a plastic pig, and a bunch of barbies that i found in the trash and washed-including jasmine and ariel! fuckin' sweet!

ok i really have to go now. guess what? i get to leave at 8:30 to get to laurel, md by 10:30! and i'll probably be late! fucking awesome!
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loserville, usa [16 Sep 2005|08:39am]
"You see, this is where Troy was fired from his eleventh job. He was an illustrious office cleaner. Now if you'll come this way please, we'll continue the short but happy walking tour of The Career of Troy Dyer. And, here we have the news stand. Where Troy dared to ask the question...'Are employee snacks subsidized?' The answer, tragically, no. In total, he has been fired from, yes, count them, twelve jobs."

so i got fired. again.

on a lighter note-i went to the adams morgan festival and got an awesome poster of amelia earhart. also, next to the dumpsters behind the liquor store, i found this awesome shelf that was a display case for stoli. it is bright red with plexi-glass sides that are hot pink, orange and yellow. it is totally mod. it reminds me of a futuristic 60s retro london phone booth. jesus, how pomo can you get?
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full of rage [12 Sep 2005|10:44am]
did anybody know about this hunger strike in guantanamo? there was one in july, which i think i remember hearing about on npr. the government agreed to address the inmate's concerns, so they stopped striking. but now they've started up again. i only heard about it cuz i was listeniing to the bbc. more and more and more i am disappointed with npr. i mean, the hurricane is a very big disaster and needs to be covered, but for crap's sake: wall to wall katrina? what is this, cnn? besides, npr has no balls anyway. they are so uptight about the whole liberal bias thing that they aren't informing people about some of the administration's most egregious errors. their coverage has become so watered down that all i'm hearing about is families in new orleans being reunited with their cats. before the hurricane, it was the finalists from their contest to write limericks about the elements in the periodic table. i like cats and limericks as much as the next guy, but come on, npr. where's the neeper of yesteryore? the one with the idealistic and slightly condescending sense of love and justice and vegetarianism for all? I always thought of npr as this aging hippy who wears those flowy, dresses in african prints you can buy at outdoor festivals of culture and diversity. her graying hair is cut short and spikey-
a la terry gross-she's traded in her birkenstocks for tevas'- she never wears leather or fur-she does yoga and studies various asian philosophies-she doesn't have a tv-goes to spoken word events-reuses plastic baggies-only buys organic-volunteers at a local homeless shelter and for an independent publication devoted to human rights watch-she wears handmade beaded jewelery-has carved wooden african figures and hand woven rugs with aztec designs in her apartment-she belongs to a feminist book club-and makes vegan bannananut muffins and vegetarian lasagna with dehydrated mushrooms. in the past three years or so, npr has developed into one of those grotesque "anchor ladies", who give the latest update about the run-away bride in a serious news voice with a mouth painted in long-lasting fushcia lip color, vigorously hightlighted and poofed-up hair, in a low-cut see-thru shirt over tank-top thing covered in brown roses and cursive french words-and a necklace with a ridiculously large pendant that she probably got at marshall's. well, maybe it's not quite that bad. but it's getting there.
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jorb offer numero ooon oh [07 Jul 2005|09:05pm]
so i'll probably take this job at this scale model making company. METEOR PRODUCTIONS, PRES. DAVID KLAUS! www.meteorprod.com check it out, yo. he is still vague about what i will actually be doing-but i like their logo-it's very cute. if i except the challenge, i will be going with them to the annual international plastic modelers' society in atlanta! sounds excellent to me: free hotel room-money for food-and four full days of wall to wall plastic models. models of what, you ask? trains, planes, and automobiles-as well as boats, spaceships, and even sci-fi fantasy figurines. i am totally stoked. he didn't say what he was going to pay me, tho. so i should probably find out about that before i go gallavanting off to atlanta. he says he'd like me to help out around the office until things calm down a bit (this show is, like, their big hurrah of the year), and then he wants to start branching out in a new direction-beyound planes and whatnot. i get the feeling he's trying to find other markets to tap into-and he wants someone artistically trained who can contribute a different perspective. he hasn't been any more specific than that-so i don't know what he's talking about.
i'm totally jazzed about the idea of going to this convention, tho. i love hotels. i like the little soaps and shampoo bottles-and the mouthwash-and the shower cap, etc. i like the way they are small and nicely packaged-made for only a few days' use. hotel rooms have an interesting smell. i think if they wanted to bottle anonymity, they could use that smell. i like the novelty of taking the ice bucket to the ice machine. i always liked doing that when i was little. i like messing with the thermostat and reading the binder they usually have about all the hotel services and facilities. i like the differences between nicer and crappier hotels. crappy ones usually have a stickier perfumey smell-with cigarette smoke still lingering underneath. even if it is a non-smoking room. the t.v. is also probably bolted to a frame up in the corner of the room, and the clicker is also probably stuck on the night stand on a little swivel-y thing. nice hotels have little coffee makers, irons, hair dryers, and laundry bags in the closet. also-those cards where you can mark what you what for breakfast room service and then hang them on your outside doorknob. the soap has the name of the hotal embossed into it. if it's a REALLY fancy hotel-you get a shitload of free stuff: bathrobe, chocolate on the pillow everynight, complementary continental breakfast. pens and paper. anyway. soon i may be living it up in another swank joint. it will probably be a courtyard marriott. those are pretty nice. you can bet your ass i'll exploit the crap out of it. i'll drink so much free coffee, my eyes will pop out. i'm going to call the front desk for a toothbrush AND a sewing kit. and if i'm lucky enough to encounter a maid's cart unattended, you can bet your ass i'll be cramming my pants full of little soaps and shampoos. don't worry-i'll get some for you, too.
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i can't keep looking at the same stuff [25 Jun 2005|09:22am]
It's been so long since i updated i forgot my password. but then i remembered.
i'm tired
when i take my medicine i get that pain in the throat and chest feeling of fear like you are about to scream. it sounds terrible, i know-but it is unfortunately cannot be helped. being fucked up fucking sucks. everytime me and my doc decide to change my dosages or try new medicines-my head and body go through hell. my mom and myself put the pressure and the guilt trip on. i keep asking myself: what is wrong with me? why can't i get my shit together? what is wrong with me? all i want is to actually start having a real life instead of being frozen in time here. i'm suffocating and withering and time is going by-two years have gone by-and still everything is on hold. it does not feel good to have your whole life-all real experiences-everything you really want to do totally on hold-being put off and put off and put off. a few months turned into a year-and now two have passed-i can't believe i'm still here. i feel like i'm forever sitting at window and just looking out. remember when you were in high school and so antsy to get out and move up to a place where you could make all decisions for yourself and actually start doing what you want?

damint i'm so paralyzed. i'm still stuck in the crash position and doing damage control when i need to be getting on the offensive and taking charge. i just can't swith gears. i've been this way for so long i don't know anyway else to be. standing up on your feet and walking forward requires thinking and focus. in order to survive i've had to wrap myself in thick layers of foam, and turn my brain off. i still remember how hard it was to do this-when i was first training myself to not think. you probably think this sounds impossible, and it nearly was-but if buddist monks can lower their heart rate through meditation, you can learn to unplug your brain. anyway-i had no choice. it was a fight or die-and if i was going down-i was fucking going down pushing back up as hard as a could all the way to the bottom. i may not be an attack dog-but i'm a fucking rock when it comes to endurance. so i just didn't stop trying. there were some times when i really thought i'd totally lost it. but low and behold-now i am so good at it that i can't shut it off. crap.
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pants-extender [01 Jun 2005|07:40am]
I thought up a million dollar idea. well-i mean it's not exactly a NEW idea, but if i can create a superior design, it just might become the greatest thing since sliced bread. my mom always says that. she'll say, "he think's he's the greatest thing since sliced bread." also she says, "he's the biggest asshole who ever wore shoe leather." also-if you ask her about something that she wants to emphasize the answer to-she'll say "do wild bears shit in the woods?" ex:
"Mom, was the traffic really bad?"
also, when she wants to say that something will definetly happen, she'll say "As sure as god made little green apples we'll get stuck in rush hour."

anyway-back to my invention. I want to make a pants entender. some sort of elastic device that would allow you to expand your pants a few inches. you know-like for when you eat lots of food, and your stomach is temporarily distended. or when you become way bloated during your period. or when you are filled with gas. as i'm sure you are beginning to see, there are many practical applications for this invention. it would have to be sort of T shaped-because if it just expanded your waist band, your zipper would be pulled open. i'm going to go all the way with this. i'm consulting fashion design books, as well as brushing up on my physics. don't any of you assholes try to steal my idea. even if you do, i'm sure my design will be far superior.
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make me, baby; lay the real thing on me... [24 May 2005|09:30am]
i started making some art. you know how at home despot and lowes and stuff they have the fucked up paint? like paint that got mixed wrong, or that the customer insists is wrong or whatever-and then they sell it for $5 to people who want cheap cans of paint. oh glory bee- i get so excited when i'm at work and i can go check the paint. since i'm there so much, i always snap up the good ones. like alot of them actually are gross colors- horrible muddled eggplant or mustard yellow. but i've snapped up some really good ones. two blues-both yellow toned. yellow/warm toned colors i like the best. blue/cold toned colors make me puke. anyway, blue #1: matte, and close to the color of the sky on a stereotypical "nice day". you know those days when the sky is a nice, strong blue, with fluffy clouds? like how it would look in a cartoon. blue #2 is semi-gloss and almost exactly the same color they paint swimming pools. i got this picture out of the trash-it's about 2'x3'. it had this reproduction of some southwestern-y scene with gold and yellow landscape and adobe hut village or whatever. the surface it was printed on is like foam core-no texture. the frame is really plain-no scrolly stuff or anything. so i painted the whole thing that swimming pool color. that's as far as i've gotten. i hate working with frames. frames are bullshit. but since i have very limitd space right now-i'm doing what i like to do on a very small scale. by frame-i really mean a square shape that you stay inside of. at school-there was always an ideological rivalry between the painting and sculpture majors. painters had to take some scuplture classes and sculptors had to take some painting classes-so there was ample time for debate. most of us scloopters had serious issues with frames and pedstals. one of my teaches said that the pedstal thing was a vcu oddity, and that other schools didn't have a problem with it. i still say pedstals are for crafts majors. there are certain instances when a pedestal could be used effectively, but only if it's in a self-conscious, ironic sort of way. of course, painters, by definition, use canvas. if they don't, then they aren't really painters anymore. i don't insist on strict boundries-i think categories are pretty fluid. but i think a person's work can have leanings in certain specific directions. then there are people who transcend boundries-and they are extra cool. of course this is all my opinion. i don't think art or life can have any strict rules or limitations. and i'm always open to discussion, and not afriad to have my mind changed by someone else' ideas. anyway, the idea of using this frame is kind of getting me down. i've changed a lot since graduating-my stuff is more refined, smaller, more precise. i really got into doing these super realistic drawings in ballpoint pen. i like the idea a lot. i've been into making beautiful things with duct tape, masking tape, couch foam, capet, carboard, etc.-and i think refined bellpoint pen drawings are related to that idea. but anyhoo-i'm not refined enough to be comfortable with this f-ing frame. you can bet your bippy i'm going to sneak out of it onto the wall. well, i mean, i don't think i'll be able to keep myself from doing it. but i'll do whatever works the best-broken frame or no. so what's it gonna be? what's it gonna be? well, i never know that till it's done. i'm not one of those people who make with plans. a make as i go along-trying this, trying that-doing whatever feels right. then i usually end up not wanting to look at, and thinking it's gross. alot of people are like that. it's the curse of the black pearl, if you know what i mean. but i feel like it keeps you reaching upwards. what am i blabbering about? i haven't made anything in months, except these dinky little drawings. i'm a poser. but i guess it counts, as long as you're doing something. i'm going to try really hard not to fink out on this piece, and leave it half finished, as i usually do. anyway. i gotta go get my car inspected.
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